For those of you who don’t know, OSU is having a campus wide game of Humans vs. Zombies. (It’s basically a glorified game of tag with Nerf guns.) I myself am not participating, but nevertheless I am deriving a lot of pleasure from it.
The more I observe the activities of the participants, the more I realize something:
Humans vs. Zombies is turning the players into squirrels.
Don’t deny it. We’ve all laughed at the bizarre behavior of the squirrels on campus. They always look like they are on high alert. During Welcome Week, Rach and I watched a squirrel army crawl (no, I’m seriously not making this up) along the ground under a tree. We decided he’d been watching the ROTC kids too much lately. About a week later, I saw a squirrel going after an acorn. It looked like the prowling lions hunting an antelope on National Geographic. I even heard the theme music and the classic NG narrator guy’s voice… “And now the squirrel begins to approach the acorn in a crouched position as he weaves through the tall grasses so as to not alert the acorn to its eminent demise.” You get the picture.
As I’ve been walking across campus the last few days, I’ve noticed that HVZ is turning many students into paranoid, overly cautious campus dwellers as well. They walk slowly, turning into little statues with little or no warning causing you to nearly run into them. They no longer walk: they sneak around holding their Nerf guns close as their eyes dart around looking for the enemy. (The squirrels do the same thing with acorns, and I don’t get it. Is some bored college kid out there seriously chasing down squirrels and taking their acorns from them?)
My friend Alex hypothesized that the squirrels are acting so sneaky because they are plotting to take over campus. Perhaps he is right. And maybe, just maybe, HVZ is the first step in their plan to assimilate us into their bizarre little world.